Denial

For years I've been in denial. I've known something was wrong but never wanted to admit it to myself. There has always been a stigma attached to the word FIBROMYALGIA. People who had it weren't really sick they were just hypochondriacs who were lazy. Someone who just wanted attention. Granted the wrong kind of attention but attention none the less. Whenever I was overly fatigued I blew it off as overworking. When my body ached beyond belief that's how it's suppose to be when you work out (even though I was only walking 2 blocks). Not remembering things is a part of aging. The pressure in my head is allergies or a sinus infection. My views have changed.

Let me start by saying I have not been officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia! My Dr. highly suspects I have it. At this point we are still in the testing stage. They have looked at my thyroid. I've had a brain scan. We've done blood test. He has found nothing that is causing my fatigue and pain. He's done a few trigger points, though he didn't go through all of them, which I was confused at but will address at my next Dr. appointment. I have not yet seen a Rheumatologist.

How did this journey start? What made me finally admit to myself that it might be what I had dreaded for years? It started with headaches. That's all just headaches. I've had migraines but this was different. It was pressure it felt like I had a sinus infection all the time. I was constantly asking my family to feel my head. But I had no fever, so no infection. It would hurt just to touch my face. Last year my Dr sent me to an allergist. He said that the reason I was feeling so tired all the time and had so much pressure was probably due to allergies. Off to the allergist I went. She insisted I didn't have any allergies (no reaction to the scratch test) and then looked at me like I was crazy. I was crushed. I felt like a hypochondriac and that it was all in my head. When it would get bad I would take an allergy pill and it did seem to help alleviate some of the pressure but not all the time.

It took me a full year to gather the courage to go back to the Dr. I had too. I was coming home from work and I couldn't get up off the couch. When I did I could barely walk. I would be hunched over like I was 95 years old, I'm only 41! My muscle's would ache so bad. My husband just kept telling me. It's normal, your getting old. I'm sorry I don't feel like wanting to go to bed at 8:00 p.m. is normal, especially when all I have is a desk job. It isn't normal to walk for 20 minutes and then a half hour later be so stiff and sore that walking again is difficult. It isn't normal to go to a store and 10 minutes later feel so tired and weak you need to sit down and you want to go home. It isn't normal to not go somewhere because your body just aches. I think I've felt like this for so long I don't even recognize it as pain. I call it aching. In actuality it is pain. Pure and simple pain. I can look back and see I've felt this way on and off for years.

During that Dr. appointment he brought up the dreaded word. FIBROMYALGIA He said he would have to do some test to rule out other illnesses but that the symptoms I was describing fit it. I was so crushed. I almost hoped it was something else just because then I could take antibiotics or have a surgery and be done with it. I knew the pain and fatigue I was feeling was real, not in my head. I also knew that the community as a whole does not understand or even empathize with those who have this disease, syndrome I'm still not sure what it's classified as. I went home and scoured the Internet. It was time to do some real research on this. I started crying as I was reading about it. It was like reading my life story, fatigue, muscle pain and weakness, IBS, Fibro fog, memory problems, Flaring. All of it fit. It made so much sense to me now. There are times when I feel okay. Then something happens and BOOM it's like I'm an invalid.

So here I am. I'm at the very beginning of my journey. I'm not positive I have Fibro (found out that's the slang word for it) but I'm 90% sure I do. I've decided to write down my experience. If it helps even one person then I've accomplished more than I can hope.